jamilah LEMIEUX

.02 on “Bow Down” (#minuswell)

Quick thought about “Bow Down”- I wish I had written it or that someone else had. I like the production and the hook. I dont mind profanity. I like the taste of curse words. And I like the hip-hop inspired boasting in theory. But Special Ed rapping about having a place in the shade and Cascade was fun. Millionaires rapping to audiences of poor folks about being richer than poor folks is not as fun. I feel the same when Bey tells her lessors all her accomplishments. Her name is a resume. She could have the hook from her husband’s “What More Can I Say” play every time she exits a room and it would be like “Yup, pretty much.” When even your haters can run down your entire resume and admit that it’s impressive, you don’t need receipts  You ARE a receipt. 

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun for her to boast and talk shit like everyone else. It just, for me, would have been cooler for “Bow Down” to be more anthemic than personal. A song for everyone who just wants to tell some weak MF to bow in the presence of greatness, even if that’s the greatness of someone who makes $30k and can walk into their local corner store without being recognized. 

Plus, the part about being in the Willie D. video was kind of funny. I sorta get it as a nod to the screw music on the track because of the Texas connection. But it read like a classic Buppie girl grasping at a ‘hood pass. You don’t need one, ma. The ‘hood loves you! Plus, you were in the video at 14 because your dad was hustling to get his girl group put on, not because you were sneaking out the house to go roll with the thugs. I used to stay up late and listen to the Boot Camp Clik, but I wouldn’t say that makes me an OG of sorts. Just someone who liked dirty rap music even in my youth. Like Beyonce. Celebrities: they’re just like us! 

There are people who think I shouldn’t curse publicly because I work for an icon brand. (Whoops, sorry!) So I can’t imagine the pressure of being celebrated by the first Black First Family, which puts Bey under the craziest microscope ever. But I do think we can do a nasty, grimy “who’s badder than me” boast track better than this. I’m a good writer, Beyonce. Call me. You can absolutely have the credits, I just need the check. 

Black Folks Ain’t Never Satisfied

Common is one of my favorite rappers, but he isn’t exactly known for punchlines and bars that become everyday quotations. However, he gave us a line on “The Sixth Sense” that is damn near tattoo-worthy:

If I don’t like it, I don’t like/that don’t mean that I’m hating

Amen and ase.

Not everyone subscribes to the Chicago emcee’s philosophy. Thus, the preponderance of comments along the lines of “Black people don’t like anything! We always gotta complain about something!” in response to any of criticism of anything presented to or by us.

I sincerely believe that if Sarah Palin drove up and down 125th Street handing out watermelon and fried chicken, the offended parties would be accused of hating: “Y’all need to quit because you know you like Crown Fried and somebody was trying to do something nice for you!”

If a “Black” film was released by a famous White director and featured nothing but 175 minutes of an esteemed Black actor saying “Nigga. Niiiiiiigggggga! Nigguh! Nigga!,” anyone who penned a less than 3.5 star review would be a hating-ass hater who would have loved the same movie had Spike Lee or Tyler Perry made it.

A book review that says anything less flattering than “At least she tried to write a book, that’s a lot of work, so good for her. Support it” is just evil, Black-specific crabs-in-a-barrel thinking that keeps us from growing as a people.

If President Obama shut the doors of every HBCU in the country, some Colored person would loudly challenge any protest and say that we need to be glad that we have a Black president in the first place and we ain’t never gonna have another one if we don’t show some gratitude.

There is one noteworthy exception: Black-owned businesses. Somehow, even the same folks who don’t want you to say nothing bad about any book, movie or notable have room in their hearts to find fault in them. Your food came out 3 minutes late at Big Mama’s House of Grits on a busy Sunday? That’s because BLACK BUSINESSES ARE THE WORST. Always and forever.

In all seriousness, while “hating” (finding fault when there is none, being dismissive and biting for no other reason than being nasty) is a real and ugly thing, I don’t know why so many of our cousins can’t engage or understand the value in legitimate criticism, or that it’s quite all right for folks not to like, celebrate or respect everything.

I’m tempted to call it “chitlin syndrome.” When one is used to being fed scraps and given meager crumbs, they might become appreciative of things that other folks would dismiss as trash. Such as, well, chitlins. We don’t get that many movies! You gon’ keep complaining this one and they ain’t never gonna give us no mo’.

How dreadful.

I also think that charges of hating are sometimes easier to lob than, say, a well-reasoned defense against whatever criticism of said movie, songstress, leader, etc. If you don’t know how to engage or understand what the critic has said, you can just brush them off with “Why you mad?” and hope that they go away.

There’s also those misguided attempts at Black unity and solidarity. I’m all about ‘the people united will never be divided,’ but at the point where it requires me to support Chief Keef’s recording career because he is a Black and I am a Black and, thus, I should be compelled to do so? Stop. This. Train.

Honestly, I can’t explain why “Black folks are never happy” is such a thing. However, I can quizzically tilt my head and wonder how is it that these people are unaware of the fact that people of all ethnic backgrounds are critical and thoughtful. Even—-if not especially—- White folks! That’s who wrote the model for living, amirite? Just kidding, but if you’ve never stepped outside Negronia and read newspapers, books and blogs written by White writers, well, you are in for a big surprise: they aren’t much better at being satisfied by every single thing ever than we are.

Don’t folks remember the show “Siskel and Ebert” (later “Ebert and Roper”), where two film critics broke down Hollywood’s latest releases to the white meat? Would a Black version of this show feature 100% “two thumbs up, way up” ratings because “Movies are entertainment and I don’t expect them to be accurate and I don’t care if people walk out the movie believing that they were accurate and, thus, confused about important moments in history” (Django) or “At least he is giving Black people a job” (any Black director ever) or “It’s not that bad! He’s getting better. And Cicely Tyson was in it!” (He Who Shall Not Be Named)?

Thinking is not a bad thing. Criticism is not a bad thing. You aren’t required to like everything. Nor is anyone else. If you think “My Cousin an Nem” is a cinematic tour de force, good for you. However, there is no law requiring all Black people to feel the same about Miguel Nunez’s gripping performance as a former pimp-turned-payday loan store manager, so please don’t call us haters when we don’t like it.

Actually, call me Silky Johnson.

Fire Your Struggle-cist, End the Failed Pitches

Every day, I see pitches and “pitches” and advertisements and “advertisements” that do the project/client as much of a disservice as they would if they were titled “WORST THING EVER!” In the hopes of helping people live their best life and achieve their dreams (or, if needed, find better/more appropriate dreams), here are a few tips from a media professional to help you understand why your mixtape has zero downloads from anyone who doesn’t share your last name or go half with you on that Friday bottle of pink moscato, or why your article isn’t getting picked up by anyone, anywhere:

1) Twitter marketing is a tricky thing. Unfortunately, a lot of folks seem to think that being on Twitter alone is marketing. Perhaps this is why people tweet “Ay yo, follow me!” to their own timeline. They just don’t understand how the whole thing works. More than most other social media networks, Twitter gives you the opportunity to connect with people you may never encounter otherwise, be they ‘tastemakers,’ celebrities, editors or potential fans/supporters.

That said, you are unlikely to bait ANY of those people by sending them unsolicited links to your music, your blog, Kickstarter, etc. It does not matter how high the quality of your work, this tactic simply says “I’m unprofessional and clueless.” You will likely be ignored or dismissed, if not blocked as spam.

If you are seriously about marketing yourself via social media, do some research on effective strategies. I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.

2) If you are calling yourself a publicist and doing online promo for someone else, you absolutely must take the time to learn about what it is you are attempting to do. Take a class, buy a book, study the online footprints of the folks who are doing what it is you want to do for your client. A lot of ‘struggle-cists’ are ruining their clients’ careers before they even begin.

3) Sending press releases to notables and major publications via Facebook inboxes and Twitter is totally ineffective. You are likely communicating with a social media manager who probably won’t pass your inquiry on due to the inept way in which you presented it. There may be some bloggers and small websites that are willing to hear you out, but I will say this as an editor for a major magazine’s website: I’ve yet to accept a press release or pitch that came in that way. The folks who get to my email inbox (which isn’t public info, but incredibly easy to find if you know what you are doing) get there because they understand what they have taken on.

4) Don’t pitch a publication with which you are not intimately familiar. Don’t tell me you haven’t written for anything other than yourownwebsite.blogspot.com and then ask how you can be hired as a writer for the magazine which I am affiliated with. You want to write for a magazine, you need to pitch a magazine editor. And I guarantee you that they are even quicker to send the struggle “pitches” to the junk mail than I am. Do your research. Read the site/print mag/newspaper you want to pitch over and over and over again. Be honest with yourself: Does your writing match the caliber of what they’ve been running? Does this publication typically feature the sort of music you perform?

5) Be you/your client an artist or a writer, the internet has provided you the opportunity to have your own space! Spaces where you can rule, self-promote and (for writers) hone your skills. That would be your professionally-designed website, your Facebook fan page, your Twitter timeline and your other social media profiles. Use them well. Don’t spam, don’t join #teamfollowback. Present yourself in the best light possible—-with good grammar, good pictures and (hopefully) a good quality product to promote.

6) It is highly unlikely that a reputable publication is hiring models via Twitter and Facebook, so please stop sending those beefcake-magazine quality photos to them on social media. Go to a real modelling agency. Don’t set yourself up to be taken advantage of (financially or worse) by some scumbag.

7) There is the language you use to communicate with your cousins and then there is the way you approach someone with whom you want to do business. Inboxing your cousin to say “Please post this on your personal blog” may work; inboxing an editor to say “Please post this article on your website” is not going to work. Yes, this has happened. Multiple times.

8) Posting links to your/other websites on a brand’s Facebook fan page is not effective and may get your banned. Brands and publications use Facebook to share their articles and latest news; they aren’t going to let you attempt to bring attention to your blog or your fan page there. Same thing for comment sections or replying to Tweeted articles to say “Read my blog.” It’s not only rude, it simply doesn’t work.

9) The world of Google is mighty and wonderful. You can learn how to pitch articles to national magazines, how to engage with people on social media, how to write press releases…there is no excuse for getting this terribly wrong other than “I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t try to know what I was doing.”

10) Anyone can be a writer, artist or publicist. Not everyone is going to be aprofessionalwriter, artist or publicist. If you have hopped into any of these arenas because it looks easy and you feel like if XYZ can do it, why can’t you…well…don’t quit your day job.

11) Always relevant: If you are reading this, I bet my last dollar that you aren’t a relationship expert. Give it up, turn it loose.

***ETA***

12) Get a professional email address. BookingStruggleRapper@gmail.com is no bueno.