jamilah LEMIEUX

This picture was captured yesterday, but it def factors into today’s Awesome. This is the first time I was photographed in a bathing suit since my 10th birthday party in 1994. That’s sad. But exciting to be on the other side of it.

I dropped over 60 pounds in the past few years, but I am sad to admit that the last year and a half has been very light on trips to the gym (which stands in sharp contrast to my early weight-loss days when I was there no LESS than 5 days a week). 

I am happyish with the picture above, but I do wish my belly was smaller, my arms and thighs more toned. I’ve given up on the big butt thing, because part of my gym absenteeism came from the pinched sciatic nerve and two herniated discs I got from doing squats improperly. I did months of physical therapy, still have moments of severe pain and  discomfort and I’ve yet to reclaim my gym rat status. Big booties be damned. 

But being okay enough with my body to post that picture is a BIG win for me. And to celebrate today, I am going to the gym.  

So yeah, perhaps August or September’s beach pics will be a little more to my liking, but I’m working on it and that is Awesome. 

I did not blog or do a decidedly Awesome act yesterday. I FAILED MY 28 DAY CHALLENGE AFTER 2 DAYS. 

This goes with a title I have held my whole life—-Jamilah Lemieux, Ruiner of Good Things. Let me tell you, I can ruin the fuck out of some good things. How you go and tell the whole internet that you are gonna blog for 28 days straight and don’t even make it three days? Ruiner of Good Things-game proper.

I’ve ruined jobs, relationships and opportunities throughout my young adult/adult life due to fear, laziness, a memory that has to have some sort of diagnosable problem, entitlement, lack of self-confidence, etc. I am a master Ruiner of Good Things.

However, while I will continue to fix those things that I can repair and will challenge myself not to repeat the same mistakes again, it is essential to my future (and my Awesome) that I forgive myself for my past transgressions. 

That is no easy task, y’all.

Some people are good at blaming the world for their problems or misdeeds and while I’d be lying if I have never copped to some false victimhood in public, internally…I blame myself for everything under the sun. If it rains, its because I didn’t bring an umbrella to work. If it doesn’t rain, its because I wore rainboots in 65 degree weather. And that’s nothing to say of the actually-terrible/shameful things I have done wrong. 

I beat myself up so badly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had internal bleeding and die of it and then that will be my fault too and I’ll be in heaven like “You dumb bitch.” 

Alas, my attempt at Awesome today is acknowledging the challenges I have in forgiving myself and working to do better at that. When my friends and family are pissed at me, I try to leverage my baby face and pout to get me out of hot water. Maybe that will work on myself. Hence the pic of wee Milah today. I’ll think of this little face the next time I want to beat myself up.

PS: I’m going to the beach today! That is also hella Awesome! Maybe that counts towards yesterday’s deficit. 

I want the sister who gave me the job to know that I am grateful for the opportunity and the lessons I learned under her guidance and that I am sorry for my actions. 

A big part of my efforts during this 28-day-project is forgiveness: forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning how to ask for forgiveness properly—-with the understanding that you can’t always get it, even if your intensions are pure and your heart is sorry. 

Also in Awesome, I was lucky to book a trip home to Chicago for a few days in July for work.

And I will have cocktails today at drink o’clock. Because that, in my book, is Awesome. 

I’ve joked a lot online about my age and typically refuse to tell people what it is. This stems from the fact that on my 25th birthday, I decided to keep being 24. And on my 26th birthday, I made the same choice. For 27, I gifted myself with the age of 25. And so for three years, I’ve failed to do the “Wow, I am___ years old” reflective piece that I had been doing since I was a little girl. As a result, I can’t honestly say I know what 25, 26 and 27 feel like. Weird, I know. But I never accepted those ages.

Alas, in 28 days, I will be 28 years old. I figured it may be time for me to embrace that before 30 knocks me over the head and I’m still grasping at my mid-20’s in confusion. I’m sure some of you who are a bit older than me are dragging your LOLerskates all over this “Me-years” foolishness of mine, but do remember the pressure young folks feel at ages like 25 and 30 to have accomplished certain things. That shit cray. 

At 25, I was a raggedy hot mess. No clue as to how to make my life work or my dreams come true. At almost-28, I am a lot better. A lot. I could not have said the same thing a year ago. So I think a celebration of my life and my future is in order.

Thus, I am embarking upon “28 Days of Awesome.” Each day leading up to my birthday, I will do something to improve myself and my environment, to make peace with myself and others and/or to celebrate life. This includes writing letters to people to whom I owe words, reconnecting with those who I have distanced myself from, working on my physical, spiritual and emotional well-being and spending time in the service of my happiness. I am going to document my efforts here daily. 

28 days of love, laugher, forgiveness, self-actualization and atonement begins today. 28 days of awesome. 

Remember: YOLO. lol. 

-jam