28 Days of Awesome: Day 4
I did not blog or do a decidedly Awesome act yesterday. I FAILED MY 28 DAY CHALLENGE AFTER 2 DAYS.
This goes with a title I have held my whole life—-Jamilah Lemieux, Ruiner of Good Things. Let me tell you, I can ruin the fuck out of some good things. How you go and tell the whole internet that you are gonna blog for 28 days straight and don’t even make it three days? Ruiner of Good Things-game proper.
I’ve ruined jobs, relationships and opportunities throughout my young adult/adult life due to fear, laziness, a memory that has to have some sort of diagnosable problem, entitlement, lack of self-confidence, etc. I am a master Ruiner of Good Things.
However, while I will continue to fix those things that I can repair and will challenge myself not to repeat the same mistakes again, it is essential to my future (and my Awesome) that I forgive myself for my past transgressions.
That is no easy task, y’all.
Some people are good at blaming the world for their problems or misdeeds and while I’d be lying if I have never copped to some false victimhood in public, internally…I blame myself for everything under the sun. If it rains, its because I didn’t bring an umbrella to work. If it doesn’t rain, its because I wore rainboots in 65 degree weather. And that’s nothing to say of the actually-terrible/shameful things I have done wrong.
I beat myself up so badly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had internal bleeding and die of it and then that will be my fault too and I’ll be in heaven like “You dumb bitch.”
Alas, my attempt at Awesome today is acknowledging the challenges I have in forgiving myself and working to do better at that. When my friends and family are pissed at me, I try to leverage my baby face and pout to get me out of hot water. Maybe that will work on myself. Hence the pic of wee Milah today. I’ll think of this little face the next time I want to beat myself up.
PS: I’m going to the beach today! That is also hella Awesome! Maybe that counts towards yesterday’s deficit.