28 Days of Awesome: Day 10
There are so many days where I feel tremendous pressure. I feel it physically. My breath and heart rate change, there is a tightening in my chest. My entire body tenses. A frantic email from a publicist who is dying to know when her client will be featured on our site. A reminder about a story I forgot about. A writer texting or Tweeting me to get more attention for their work. A phone call from someone who could have sent an email. A bill. Another bill. A to-do list that never shrinks. An email from someone who started blogging last week and wants me to tell them how to make it into a career.
Never in my life have I felt needed by so many people. I’m grateful. I have my dream job (minus the dream salary, but such is the industry I chose). Unfortunately, I am lacking joy, support and a feeling of connectedness. And I don’t ever feel like I have the space to be selfish and put myself first.
Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends, a great family and great sorors who love me. But I just feel very alone in the world for some reason and that coupled with the pressure I feel professionally is taking me to a very isolated and miserable place. One I want to leave sooner than later. It doesn’t matter how many ‘likes’ my articles get on Facebook or how many people tell me I do good work, I do not feel special. I feel like I am more often than not a mere conduit for the needs and goals of others. I feel disposable, replaceable and so unimportant. Kind of an ironic thing considering how many people seem to need me these days, but emotions are not intelligent beings.
Today, I am going to do something nice for myself like buy some shoes or some shiny shit I don’t need. And maybe I’ll find a Groupon for a massage or some self-imporantance.
You may be wondering where today’s Awesome is. It is in owning up to these very damaging and painful emotions so that I may destroy them. Amen.