jamilah LEMIEUX

28 Days of Awesome: Game Over

I am hanging up the 28 Days of Awesome challenge. I am sad and a little bit embarrassed, but I have to be honest with myself: I am not in the right place to take something like this on right now. This is still a period of deep introspecton for me, but I no longer feel emboldened to do so publicly. Furthermore, the daily task of trying to do something Awesome for myself or others isn’t something I’m really equipped to do right now.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who supported this project while it lasted. Maybe I’ll try again in the future. 

Edit: I’m trying to get out of NY for a bit and I set this up in hopes that I can get by with a little help from my friends: http://jamilah.chipin.com/a-much-needed-escape

28 Days of Awesome: Day 10

There are so many days where I feel tremendous pressure. I feel it physically. My breath and heart rate change, there is a tightening in my chest. My entire body tenses. A frantic email from a publicist who is dying to know when her client will be featured on our site. A reminder about a story I forgot about. A writer texting or Tweeting me to get more attention for their work. A phone call from someone who could have sent an email. A bill. Another bill. A to-do list that never shrinks. An email from someone who started blogging last week and wants me to tell them how to make it into a career.

Never in my life have I felt needed by so many people. I’m grateful. I have my dream job (minus the dream salary, but such is the industry I chose). Unfortunately, I am lacking joy, support and a feeling of connectedness. And I don’t ever feel like I have the space to be selfish and put myself first. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends, a great family and great sorors who love me. But I just feel very alone in the world for some reason and that coupled with the pressure I feel  professionally is taking me to a very isolated and miserable place. One I want to leave sooner than later. It doesn’t matter how many ‘likes’ my articles get on Facebook or how many people tell me I do good work, I do not feel special. I feel like I am more often than not a mere conduit for the needs and goals of others. I feel disposable, replaceable and so unimportant. Kind of an ironic thing considering how many people seem to need me these days, but emotions are not intelligent beings.

Today, I am going to do something nice for myself like buy some shoes or some shiny shit I don’t need. And maybe I’ll find a Groupon for a massage or some self-imporantance. 

You may be wondering where today’s Awesome is. It is in owning up to these very damaging and painful emotions so that I may destroy them. Amen. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 9

To say my feelings about Odd Future are complicated would be an understatement, but that’s an essay for another day. However, I am heartend by the decision of Frank Ocean to boldly come forward and disclose information about his sexuality. Not sure if he identifies as gay or bisexual as some are claiming (his open letter, to me, implied the former due to the suggestion that he hadn’t known romantic love until he knew it with a man), but either way, this is a big moment for Black popular culture. 

I was inspired to write an essay about Frank’s disclosure today and I definitely tip my hat to him in the name of Awesome. Being free, being yourself openly and being honest when those things can all cause tremendous loss professionally and personally? That is Awesome. 

On a personal note, I began a much overdue conversation with a friend last night. My talks with people in my life have been so rich lately and I am filled with love for them. There is much work to be done in healing my relationships with others and to myself, but I feel that I am walking in the right path.

Today is about no work, no pain and good times with the people who love me. I am choosing joy. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 8

Today started out rough and kept getting worse, but I decided not to let the challenges and the hurt get the best of me. Woo. Sah.

I got a Tweet from a classmate who I didn’t know well saying that she was fundraising to go teach film in Kenya and today was the last day to donate. Now, because of who I am by nature and the fact that I got a lot of much needed support in a certain national contest last year, I am quick to vote for people for things and to share word of their efforts with my networks when they need cash donations. I wish I was in a position to give more often, but truth is…I’m broke, more often than not. One of my challenges for this month is also to spend some time trying to figure that condition out, real talk. Little comes in, but far too much goes out, ya dig?

Anyway, I figured the least I could do was donate $10 towards the $490 she needed and to share the donation link with people on Facebook and Twitter. Well, in the 20 minutes that followed, I watched her go from needing $490, to just $99 dollars and to being over her goal. That was AWESOME! I am so happy for this girl and so happy to see the power of the internet working for someone trying to do a good thing.

In other Awesome (if not fun) news, I called a bill company that I had been avoiding and made an arrangement that I can handle. Yay. And I’m gonna hit the streets and happy hour it up. Also Awesome. 

I can name 100 things I want right now that I don’t have, some of which I can’t have now and others, probably never. Today, I am going to focus on that I do. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 7

Yesterday was not Awesome and I did not create Awesome in my life or the lives of any others. Yesterday was okay, but yesterday night was very, very hard.

What most of you wouldn’t know is that I am going through one of the most difficult times of my life right now and that fact has much to do with why I have started this project. I am hurting to my core these days…shattered in ways I did not think possible…and in many ways, I have no one but myself to blame. 

What do you do when you have hurt someone? What do you do when you have been ‘the bad guy?’ That’s not an easy space to navigate. While guilt is important to living in ways that are truly human, it can also be cancerous. Regret can help you to alter your actions in a positive way, but it can also stymie your growth if you can’t heal from wounds that you have caused.

There are days I don’t want to get out of bed and moments where I feel like I wish I’d never been born, or that I have destroyed my future in ways I cannot fix. While I have never given suicide any serious thought, I sometimes feel that I don’t care if I live or die. 

This is depression to even someone who has a casual understanding of the illness’ symptoms. And this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with it. Truth be told, I’m not sure that I can pinpoint a time in recent history in which I wasn’t at least moderately depressed. 

As I have travelled toward a healing space, I’ve had a number of conversations with friends, only to be surprised at how many of them have dealt with their own issues with depression. While I certainly wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, there is a level of comfort that comes from knowing that I am not hardly alone out here. Sigh.

Today is “No Shame Day,” an initiative that was developed by scribe Bassey Ikpi as part of her efforts in de-stigmatizing mental illness. When I was initially asked by a friend to blog today, I ignored the request because I just didn’t want to talk about it. Alas, I don’t think I could have talked about anything else until I did.

The good news: I am in therapy, which I am sharing because I think its important that we encourage each other to take that step and also, because I don’t want anyone to read this and be afraid for me (or to call me—-I hate talking on the phone, sorry). I hope that anyone who needs a little support in getting to/back to Awesome considers doing the same.

So, today’s Awesome is about making peace with my lack of peace and keeping along the road to find it. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 5

This picture was captured yesterday, but it def factors into today’s Awesome. This is the first time I was photographed in a bathing suit since my 10th birthday party in 1994. That’s sad. But exciting to be on the other side of it.

I dropped over 60 pounds in the past few years, but I am sad to admit that the last year and a half has been very light on trips to the gym (which stands in sharp contrast to my early weight-loss days when I was there no LESS than 5 days a week). 

I am happyish with the picture above, but I do wish my belly was smaller, my arms and thighs more toned. I’ve given up on the big butt thing, because part of my gym absenteeism came from the pinched sciatic nerve and two herniated discs I got from doing squats improperly. I did months of physical therapy, still have moments of severe pain and  discomfort and I’ve yet to reclaim my gym rat status. Big booties be damned. 

But being okay enough with my body to post that picture is a BIG win for me. And to celebrate today, I am going to the gym.  

So yeah, perhaps August or September’s beach pics will be a little more to my liking, but I’m working on it and that is Awesome. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 4

I did not blog or do a decidedly Awesome act yesterday. I FAILED MY 28 DAY CHALLENGE AFTER 2 DAYS. 

This goes with a title I have held my whole life—-Jamilah Lemieux, Ruiner of Good Things. Let me tell you, I can ruin the fuck out of some good things. How you go and tell the whole internet that you are gonna blog for 28 days straight and don’t even make it three days? Ruiner of Good Things-game proper.

I’ve ruined jobs, relationships and opportunities throughout my young adult/adult life due to fear, laziness, a memory that has to have some sort of diagnosable problem, entitlement, lack of self-confidence, etc. I am a master Ruiner of Good Things.

However, while I will continue to fix those things that I can repair and will challenge myself not to repeat the same mistakes again, it is essential to my future (and my Awesome) that I forgive myself for my past transgressions. 

That is no easy task, y’all.

Some people are good at blaming the world for their problems or misdeeds and while I’d be lying if I have never copped to some false victimhood in public, internally…I blame myself for everything under the sun. If it rains, its because I didn’t bring an umbrella to work. If it doesn’t rain, its because I wore rainboots in 65 degree weather. And that’s nothing to say of the actually-terrible/shameful things I have done wrong. 

I beat myself up so badly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had internal bleeding and die of it and then that will be my fault too and I’ll be in heaven like “You dumb bitch.” 

Alas, my attempt at Awesome today is acknowledging the challenges I have in forgiving myself and working to do better at that. When my friends and family are pissed at me, I try to leverage my baby face and pout to get me out of hot water. Maybe that will work on myself. Hence the pic of wee Milah today. I’ll think of this little face the next time I want to beat myself up.

PS: I’m going to the beach today! That is also hella Awesome! Maybe that counts towards yesterday’s deficit. 

28 Days of Awesome: Day 2

Today, I mailed a letter to a former employer. I left this job almost 4 years ago on not-great terms: as my interest in my current field increased, my care for the job I had at the moment disappeared. I didn’t have the maturity and grace to finish strong until I made writing my business full-time. 

I want the sister who gave me the job to know that I am grateful for the opportunity and the lessons I learned under her guidance and that I am sorry for my actions. 

A big part of my efforts during this 28-day-project is forgiveness: forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning how to ask for forgiveness properly—-with the understanding that you can’t always get it, even if your intensions are pure and your heart is sorry. 

Also in Awesome, I was lucky to book a trip home to Chicago for a few days in July for work.

And I will have cocktails today at drink o’clock. Because that, in my book, is Awesome. 

28 Days of Awesome

I’ve joked a lot online about my age and typically refuse to tell people what it is. This stems from the fact that on my 25th birthday, I decided to keep being 24. And on my 26th birthday, I made the same choice. For 27, I gifted myself with the age of 25. And so for three years, I’ve failed to do the “Wow, I am___ years old” reflective piece that I had been doing since I was a little girl. As a result, I can’t honestly say I know what 25, 26 and 27 feel like. Weird, I know. But I never accepted those ages.

Alas, in 28 days, I will be 28 years old. I figured it may be time for me to embrace that before 30 knocks me over the head and I’m still grasping at my mid-20’s in confusion. I’m sure some of you who are a bit older than me are dragging your LOLerskates all over this “Me-years” foolishness of mine, but do remember the pressure young folks feel at ages like 25 and 30 to have accomplished certain things. That shit cray. 

At 25, I was a raggedy hot mess. No clue as to how to make my life work or my dreams come true. At almost-28, I am a lot better. A lot. I could not have said the same thing a year ago. So I think a celebration of my life and my future is in order.

Thus, I am embarking upon “28 Days of Awesome.” Each day leading up to my birthday, I will do something to improve myself and my environment, to make peace with myself and others and/or to celebrate life. This includes writing letters to people to whom I owe words, reconnecting with those who I have distanced myself from, working on my physical, spiritual and emotional well-being and spending time in the service of my happiness. I am going to document my efforts here daily. 

28 days of love, laugher, forgiveness, self-actualization and atonement begins today. 28 days of awesome. 

Remember: YOLO. lol. 

-jam