28 Days of Awesome: Day 7
Yesterday was not Awesome and I did not create Awesome in my life or the lives of any others. Yesterday was okay, but yesterday night was very, very hard.
What most of you wouldn’t know is that I am going through one of the most difficult times of my life right now and that fact has much to do with why I have started this project. I am hurting to my core these days…shattered in ways I did not think possible…and in many ways, I have no one but myself to blame.
What do you do when you have hurt someone? What do you do when you have been ‘the bad guy?’ That’s not an easy space to navigate. While guilt is important to living in ways that are truly human, it can also be cancerous. Regret can help you to alter your actions in a positive way, but it can also stymie your growth if you can’t heal from wounds that you have caused.
There are days I don’t want to get out of bed and moments where I feel like I wish I’d never been born, or that I have destroyed my future in ways I cannot fix. While I have never given suicide any serious thought, I sometimes feel that I don’t care if I live or die.
This is depression to even someone who has a casual understanding of the illness’ symptoms. And this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with it. Truth be told, I’m not sure that I can pinpoint a time in recent history in which I wasn’t at least moderately depressed.
As I have travelled toward a healing space, I’ve had a number of conversations with friends, only to be surprised at how many of them have dealt with their own issues with depression. While I certainly wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, there is a level of comfort that comes from knowing that I am not hardly alone out here. Sigh.
Today is “No Shame Day,” an initiative that was developed by scribe Bassey Ikpi as part of her efforts in de-stigmatizing mental illness. When I was initially asked by a friend to blog today, I ignored the request because I just didn’t want to talk about it. Alas, I don’t think I could have talked about anything else until I did.
The good news: I am in therapy, which I am sharing because I think its important that we encourage each other to take that step and also, because I don’t want anyone to read this and be afraid for me (or to call me—-I hate talking on the phone, sorry). I hope that anyone who needs a little support in getting to/back to Awesome considers doing the same.
So, today’s Awesome is about making peace with my lack of peace and keeping along the road to find it.